pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
