he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
