That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
