I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
