That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
