you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
