Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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