All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
