if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
