sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
