Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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