guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
