Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
