just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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