Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
