Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm sobbing to NWA
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
