Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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