Ambien. No doubt about it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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