i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
