I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
