I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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