Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
