Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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