All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
