It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
