i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
