He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
