So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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