The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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