her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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