i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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