I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
