We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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