the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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