i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think my moral compass just broke
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
