I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
