One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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