You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
