What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
