I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
