dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
