I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
