Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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