the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
