Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
