I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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