i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
