last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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