please come you make the beer taste better
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
