dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
