Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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