in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
