seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
