i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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