He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
