I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
