I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
