she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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