That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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