I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I need water and some morals
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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