why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
